Wednesday, May 25, 2005

So you think it's hot now?

That's the front page of today's paper with predictions that the temps will rise into the high 90's and 100. So the heat index will be 110, 115. They advise that if you don't have to go outside, you shouldn't. Well dick shit duh. But I've got that covered-Inca was walked by 8:30 and if I have to go out I have the necessary cooling supplies. Use your AC or a fan. OK. Drink plenty of water. Man, I'm all over this shit, They should be paying me to write heat advisory articles.

I still hadn't learned my lesson about my cooling vest yesterday when I went out but... after driving to Va Beach with no air and getting stuck at a tunnel lift that blue vest is my new best friend. Damn my sister for telling me there was a 1/2 tank of gas in the car--in her mind 1 line over 1/4 tank equals 1/2 tank. I could really shake the shit out of her sometimes. I wish I could do a citizen's arrest for fucktardedness. That would so make my day.

When I came home to fall the fuck out I ran into a couple of problems. I had a doctor's appointment. I never cancel appointments but found it necessary because I was finding it quite hard to move. My mother had a problem with that. At one point--my memory is a bit blurry I think I suggested that she go and tell him what was going on with me. She hung up on me which is always a pisser offer then called me back about 3 or 4 times. Several people called, got the recorder and kept calling right back. So I see it's time to set up some rules for my new friends (the old ones know this shit) but a refresher never hurts:

1. Don't tell me it's not hot outside. If you ask me what's wrong and I say I don't feel well and you ask why and I say because the heat's getting to me and you say it's not hot I may just backhand the beauty mark off your face. Just shut up and drive.

2. Don't tell me "Well you look good." What the hell does that mean? How should I look? Like diseased balls? I know you mean well but good compared to Richard Pryor? Should I be slobbering and in a wheelchair?

3. If I say I don't feel well must we argue the point [mom]? I know I need to see the doc but last time I checked rescheduling was okay even at the last minute. I left him a detailed message. You need to breathe.

4. I will now go back to turning ringers off. You motherfuckers can't respect leaving a message. I tried leaving them on in case there was an emergency with dad or something but he just shows up at my door anyway you have to wait. Leave a message, I'll call you back eventually. If you don't hear from me within 6 hours of left message, call 911 or come by...I might have fallen and can't get up. No bullshit.

5. Low stress=Happy Belle.

6. Michael will win the restaurant on Hel.l's Kitc.hen, the best show on tv. Let's not debate this.

This will be emailed to friends family. My mom will get a clean version...maybe. OK maybe not as she might backhand the freckles off my face.
Stay cool and drink water.